The Stars, or the Space?
"The stars are beautiful because of the space between them."
The Goldfinch is one of my favorite novels because of lines like this. So beautifully woven and so full of truth.
I have not been able to write about the pandemic up until now. I think that is because I didn't want to admit that it was really happening. Futility.
Nearly five months in. Everyone is angry, no one agrees. Tempers run so close to the surface that a whisper can break out a fight. And on top of all of this, we are isolated from the people that matter most.
I already knew this was going to be a crazy year. Taking the MCAT, applying for medical school, interviewing for medical school... An already isolating experience, and then true isolation begins. Now more than ever feels like the space between.
This is hard for me to write about. To admit to myself that I feel afraid, and a little passive. Though on paper I am doing everything in my power, I feel powerless. Like my efforts are just another wave in the ocean. Inert.
I miss the way life used to be. When we didn't feel weird giving someone a hug or seeing people smile. When things felt a little more sure.
I think that's what is so challenging. The entire universe is up in a suspension, floating around and waiting to collapse. Or so it seems. I just wish that people weren't so angry and things weren't so complicated.
I don't really like writing about this. Probably because I don't really want to remember this period of my life. But I think it's important to take note of how we react to adversity. Overall, and despite the special circumstances, I think I have reacted pretty well. I've leaned into myself a little further than I usually would. I've had to fill some of the holes of interaction. But a lot of the times, I've gotten really bored with myself. I find myself day dreaming about the past. Overthinking my past life because the present one feels better to just ignore.
Do you run away from your life?
Things get hard and you start running. You don't really know where, but you just need the activity.
I don't want to wake up one day and realize I ran myself right over the edge. It's alright to feel uneasy. Unsure. Scared.
I feel like I've been going through the motions. Like I'm living a black and white movie. Things are moving around, but it's not very colorful.
I don't want to wish away what I will likely look back on in a few years as "some of the best days." I do think that everyone has a little bit of this tendency. Nearly every song, book, poem rings with some element of this tendency. I know that I'm rambling now.
Halfway through 2020. Not trying to pretend things are fine.