I have to admit I am extremely stressed out and almost intimidated to begin writing this post.
I've been thinking about it a lot lately, knowing that it's inevitable and needs to happen because I love jotting down my thoughts and memories; it's the only way I know how to make sure they don't fade away.
Whether I like it or not, 2015 is coming to a close. A hard stop, bright red. There's just no way to really explain this part of my persona. I really hate to let things go. I guess that pretty well sums it up.
Recently a wise someone asked me, "Why do you have to let things go just because the year is ending?"
This blew me away for a second.
Yeah wait a minute, WHY does it???
I'm nuts or something. I compartmentalize, organize, everything has a reason and all events are tied to something else. So long story short New Years Eve/Day are my least favorite of all the days.
For me, it feels like putting all the little incredible things that happened into a box never to be seen again.
But this year I'm going to not think that way. We all get the extreme blessing of bringing these pieces of life with us! Of course we do! They make us who we are. I can't believe I've never thought of it that way before. I suppose I get so caught up in the fact that my life is flying by and trying to hold onto every passing moment that I forget to take a second and just watch and let it sink in that all these things don't end when time passes, they accumulate into collection of pieces that make up our stories. I know, duh. That seems so elementary now that I'm literally spelling it out to myself.
So here goes the watching. (Disclaimer: all of these pictures are from Minnesota. I'm feeling really nostalgic and really miss it right now.)
If you were to tell me that I would've lived in three different states this year around this time last year or done even a quarter of the things I've done, I would've laughed right in your face.
This is inherently another reason the New Year intimidates me so much. How in the world am I ever supposed to top this year? So far every year in my life has had some sort of built-in milestone. Turning 16, being accepted into college, getting a job...Now what? My future is totally in my own hands and if I want something I have to go out and get it? Yes. That's exactly what being an adult is about. I think.
And so I made the move to Minnesota. It changes you, moving to Minnesota in the dead of winter. I sort my life into pre- and post-Minnesota now. I mean that's basically Canada.
I can't begin to explain the incredible experiences I had here. Learning about the beauty of enjoying summer weather (aka 40 degrees), lake life, downtown Minneapolis, Twins baseball games, being with my amazing friends 24/7. Getting to know Neal and his family and friends, seeing Duluth and Lake Superior (frozen solid, might I add), going to Madison, WI and spending time with Margo and experiencing the Wisconsin Badger life, seeing Benny Benassi and Steve Aoki. Spending ample time with Clarissa and Eric, learning the importance of hockey, understanding a new appreciation for snow and an even greater appreciation for its absence. Having something going on all the time, and in the few moments that weren't filled with something still feeling like I had it all. I had the best life. I think of it often and know that it would never be the same going back, but those six months are easily some of the best in my life. Arguably the best I've had so far. I loved every second of my time there, even when work was subpar or irritating I had my support group and learned what love really looks like in all kinds of forms.
July rolls around and it was time to move to LA. I've written ample content on that lately so it's evident what's going on and what it's like. Still a shock though, sometimes I had to snap out of it and remember this is real life. Traveling all over the country, going to shows, the beach, riding bikes, eating a BUNCH of amazing things, constantly seeing new stuff, enjoying the challenges of my job, meeting new friends and making connections. It's a beautiful life.
I frequently find myself wanting the next step. I'm trying to get better about being in the moment. I wonder why it's so difficult and against human nature. Do we think we get another free life at the end of this one? Is it a coping mechanism? I don't understand why it's something we have to fight, living day by day and not decade by decade.
So as 12/31/15 approaches and 1/1/16 follows, I'll be here trying to not be sad. I'm taking 2015 with me, all 365 days and millions of memories.