The Alchemist

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This has been on my mind constantly the past few weeks. Really since my move I suppose. 

All the tiny micro-seconds and events and twists and turns that happen to us, how do we even get where we are? What if we had done this differently, or that differently?

Isn't it bizarre???

I've never really put much thought into destiny or fate or how life is supposed to pan out. I guess I might've avoided it because it's so vast and complex. And then I became a 22 year old dropped into Los Angeles without a single familiar soul within 1,000 miles with a brand-new job and a brand-new life. 

One day (yesterday, actually) I had a thought. 

A strange, isolated thought - that I have a full time job, am supporting myself entirely, and have no idea how to handle all of that. 
When did it happen?? I thought I was still 19 trying to figure out what classes to take and what I was going to get into during the upcoming weekend. 

I always had this mentality of "that'll never happen to me." 

"I'll never graduate."
"I'll never be an adult."
"I'll never move away."

And then it does. All the things we spend our entire lives anticipating, happen. And yet we're surprised when they do! That's when life gets weird and thoughts get tricky. I've been contemplating about these things for a month now. It all seems like such simple concepts but when independence hits full force and you're stuck with nothing but your own self, things get all intricate and you find yourself thinking "why am I thinking about this" and feeling like the next Aristotle. I think it's part of finding yourself and growing amidst the chaos of a new life story. It's complex and it's big--starting over. Or for someone like me, starting for the first time. Long story short, I think the lightbulb is starting to warm up. 

If you're like me, you're a micro-manager of your own life. Every little detail has to have a 'because' and every question has to have an answer. However, in order to cope with any type of transition, great or small, you have to become a macro-manager. The big picture. 

So what does all this mean?

1. All the little things are going to turn into big things whether you control every step of the way, or whether you don't. And the truth of the matter is, you have zero control. So you can either freak 24/7 trying to catch everything flying at you, or you can relax and accept that everything will absorb as you're ready for it. You've been prepping your whole life for this moment whether you were aware or not. Live in it!
2. Every day leads to the next, and time can't be captured or held. There is no better time than now, and the second you're in will never be back. As I'm writing and finishing each word, another second ticks by. Time is such an elusive being. I saw a quote the other day that said "we spend each moment looking forward to the next, and then we realize we wished our lives away." .............This concept freaks me out probably more than anything. It scares me to death! I feel like I'm such a huge culprit of this. Let's breathe and relax together. 
3. Be an alchemist. Make gold out of regular, plain old elements. Inspire yourself. I'll be driving to work and a particularly provoking thought (in a way that isn't necessarily negative, but just feels generally heavy) will pop into my head. I've begun the process of realizing when it's a grey thought and not a yellow or pink or orange thought. I have a three step process: a) realize b) accept that you felt the heaviness, and try to understand the underlying root but if you don't get it within 120 seconds, drop it like it's hot c) think of something bright and auspicious. 

There is so much in life to be thankful for, no matter how dark things may seem. Because these too, are fleeting moments. I've been in every valley and up on every hill imaginable the past thirty days, and I can finally say I understand that the lows make the highs even higher. 

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M. Kaitlin