Thoughts

My brain is so loud right now. The last few weeks have been semi insane. Or totally insane. 

I moved into a new apartment with a new roommate, and as a result my life turned upside down. For anyone that hasn't tried to find a place to live in Los Angeles, try to keep it that way if you can. I will without a doubt have gray hair sooner than I was originally going to before going on that trip. 

Advance notice does not give you an advantage. Places aren't available until a week before they're vacant, and then those same places become rented within twenty-four hours. It's an exhausting process, especially when you have little connections and are starting from scratch, and extra especially with the fun twist of only having baby credit. 

And that's what got the mind thinking. 

All the progress I had made, obstacles I had climbed, all seemed tossed. It felt (feels) like history was repeating itself and I was moving to LA for the first time again. Which was not an easy journey for me, and to this day still poses it's challenges. I tumbled back into the bad space I was in eight months ago. Negativity, hopelessness, confusion, lack of clarity and purpose, loneliness, the works. The full nine yards. 

So here I am, trying to remind myself how to do this. I've now been here long enough to have made and unmade friends; it's a natural cycle of course. You mesh, or you don't. I'm in a new place, granted thankfully it's still in the same area. Work is becoming relentless and monotonous and I'm anxious to move on to something new. 

I've now been here eight months, going on nine. I've been doing the same position at work, same tasks and same people. I travel, but become discouraged when I feel like I'm living my life in chapters of waiting for the next weekend that I'll be swept off my feet and filled with pure, raw happiness. 

It makes sense, doesn't it? I've lived 21 years of constant change. Each year brings a new set of experiences. In college, this happens every four with changes of semesters. And then your 22nd year of life happens. For me, I was in Minneapolis. Shortly after I moved to LA, and since then not a thing has changed. I'm having to learn myself in a way that I never have had to before. The consistency, responsibility, growing up. It really makes you corner yourself and discover what makes you tick. That sounds crazy, don't we live with ourselves all day every day? But think about the last time you've had to sit down and talk yourself through a really tough situation, a lonely weekend, an insane day at work, or missing your home state. Or a combo of 'em all. 

It's an interesting thing, becoming your adult-self so far from home. Making a foundation completely your own. We have our childhoods, our teenage years. College years. And then you transplant to soil that isn't the soil in which your roots are planted. With only your own two feet to guide you. I'm totally not sure what's going to come from all this, and honestly if someone were to ask me this second if I regret it or not, I'd consider saying yes.

So I lean on the assumption (and serious hope) that all of it is happening for a reason, and that things will work out exactly as they should in the end of the chapter. Financial learning, love, trying and trying and trying to make new connections, fighting the feeling of constantly needing to be busy. Things to combat.

The good news is, that we always have control of our thoughts. They can be loud, powerful, and ominous. No one ever said those have to be bad things.

We can use the noise to block out the dark in the world, use the power to transform our own lives and ominosity to take control of all pieces of the puzzle.

It's not good, and it's not bad. It just is. We lean on those who love us, near or far. We get through each day and remember the things that make us smile. And think of the days that we will have those smiles again. Because they will come. Nothing is forever.

These things that we think are going to kill us are only molding us into the people we will be for the rest of our years. Adding culture and perspective and interest. Twists of flavor.    

M. Kaitlin